Where Do I Fit In?

     There's that feeling that lingers whenever you're watching people's lives through social media where you wonder if you're missing out on life and why aren't you part of the fun. I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to feel when that comes around. I'm a firm believer where you shouldn't feel sad or upset because you aren't invited or not included. There's no reason to be bothered by something so minuscule because it doesn't help anything. So my question is... how are you supposed to feel and why do I feel like this?

     I wouldn't say that I'm upset. Is this what they call fomo (fear of missing out)? It can't be. I feel like even if I was there, I wouldn't fit in. I'd be awkward. I'd have nothing to say. Are they waiting for me to say something? Fuck, it's taking me too long to reply. Yes, this is what I do now. People say I'm the outgoing type, I make great conversation, and I can make people laugh. I think one of those three things are true. I don't fit in well in a group setting. I thrive in a personal setting because a one on one conversation is much more meaningful. The art of conversation is being able to keep it flowing. There will be awkwardness at times. Blanks in your mind. Thoughts that wander into the darkest corners of your mind. You have to refrain from saying too much to expose yourself but just enough for people to want to know more. How do you keep them engaged? How do you keep them interested? Do they even care? Hm.

     I'm pretty fortunate to know a good amount of people in my life. I do consider most of them my friends. But, I don't feel like I have close friends. Not even a handful. And it puzzles me on why I feel like this. I make good connections and spend time to foster these relationship but why do I feel like I'm not close. Is it because I don't open up enough to them or it because they don't trust me enough to come to me? I've wanted my whole life to connect with a single person to the point where you go to them with EVERYTHING to spill, pour, and cry your soul out to them. I've had a handful of people I've been able to do that to, but, I haven't received it back. I feel like I'm always one person away. There's always that one person that is ahead of me that they value more than they value my friendship. It's not that I need to be first... or is it? I'm used to finishing second; it is not a new feeling to me. This is probably why I hate losing. I'm competitive because second feels like shit. Yes, you got close to winning but that's what makes it even worse because you were right there and couldn't close out. It's much easier to give up and be a disappointment than to live up to your potential.

     I realize that I like to ask a lot of questions while I write. Is that a good or bad thing? Meh.

     Till next time, my friends.